Saturday, December 27, 2008

im gonna b gone for awhile..

hey, i kno i havent posted in awhile. but now im gonna b gone for a few more days. so i probably wont b commenting on yalls blogs for about a week. so if you dont hear from me in awhile, dont worry. :) miss u guys!

Friday, December 12, 2008

An Explanation

about the last post, yeah, sorry about that.... you see, the depression comes in waves, and i wrote that while having a minurature panic attack, really, i didnt have much reason to... i dont know why i flipped out so much, i think it was because i hadnt taken my 'happy pill' or anti anxiety meds... i blame that, sry about my momentary lapse of insanity, it just happens sometimes.... but in the time i havent been on, i've been writing alot, alot alot, and though i decided to stop my progress with the riley book, while at UBH they gave me the idea to write a short story about it, or rather had me write a short story about my life, so i'm going to write a book about, well me. it might be a little werd, but i'm excited, i havent gotten far at all, but while in UBH i wrote this poem-

People stripped of prejuduce,
and blind to not accept,
thats what i've found here,
within these walls,
i have no fear,

not scared to speak up,
i say what i feel,
and they all listen,
they all help me heal,

we are so different,
yet each understand,
sharing our stories,
they all grabbed my hand,

leading me to light,
we found our separate ways,
hand in hand,
day by day,

now that i'm better,
i'm ready to leave,
i'll never forget you,
but my pain is relieved.

i actually memorized that poem...

i wrote this one two days after i got out :(

slowly i'm fading,
better at last,
and now i'm going back,
slowly days pass,

sadder within hours,
of leaving those walls,
that building standing safe,
it beckons and calls,

i yearn to go back,
to be safe once more,
but i must not give in,
but this pain i can't ignore,

standing on my own,
is harder than i planned,
but i have helpfull people,
that lend me their hands,

whenever i need them,
they stand by my side,
the terrible fact is,
that i almost died,

now that i realize
i have some meaning,
i find i like life,
and this state of being.

and then some other work...

a secret love of life can pass,
in the darkest of your days,
a sweet loving sound does last,
though a terrible haze,

keeping you alive,
even when its hard,
giving off short highs,
but leaving you scarred,

but you realize its worth it,
to live through bursts of hell,
even when its hard,
try to live to tell,

make the happiness last,
no matter how small,
because it really matters,
when sadness calls,

luring you in,
swallowing you whole,
killing your heart,
and stealing your soul,

don't let it take you,
keep it at arms length,
close enough to feel,
but far enough to heal.

just to tell you, i was so freaked last night i never slept, so i wrote four poems, here they are-

I just give up,
you should know,
i'm so pissed off,
from head to toe,

don't you care?
even in the least?
or am i nothing?
you selfish beast,

you said 'I love you,'
then changed your mind,
but i had fallen,
in little time,

but you just end it,
its no big deal,
your over me,
you're heart has healed,

what am i?
some stupid bitch?
that you forgot,
on your map,
a tiny dot,

a point in your life,
thats meaningless now,
no feeling for me,
i don't know how,

but should i care?
i think not?
but on my map,
your to big a dot,

you matter to much to me,
you touched my heart,
but with that touch,
it broke apart.

and the 2nd

though i'm exauhsted,
i can't ever sleep,
these thoughts of you,
just make me weep,

you hurt me so bad,
you can't even comprehend,
these thoughts you left me,
my heart can't mend,

not with this pain,
thats always around,
a constant beating,
i don't make a sound,

i never scream out,
not until now,
so i laugh at your face,
you fat bastard cow,

how could you hurt me?
in that way you did?
you scarred my life,
its something i hid,

but now that its out,
itsmy turn to haunt you,
i want revenge,
for the things that you do,

what number was i?
in your list of victims,
no special person,
just some girl,

another one to hurt,
you have a long list?
let me read it,
now eat my fist.

i'm leaving for the weekend, typre the rest later, bye

Thursday, December 11, 2008

giving up

i'm cut off from the world now, i've really given up.... i just got out of a fucking mental hospital, yes, i realize my mother is probly reading this going, 'watch your tongue' but i'm giving up, idc anymore, it over

Thursday, December 4, 2008

filling you in

I realize, that in the past week, actually, over a week, i havent replied or posted, i went away for a while, and i'm afraid, i wont be on much anymore, for a little while, explaining would be quite difficult, i'm very sorry, i love and missed you all, i will try my best to be on, and reply to you guys, but please forgive me if i dont.